Saturday, December 31, 2016

I'm an Addict.

It's been a while.. super motivated about the next few days, new year, my birthday, etc... I want to put this on paper. It's real, it's healing for me. Hearing other stories can be inspiring, maybe this one can help someone out there make a positive decision moving into 2017! 

I started this blog to get attention. I had excersized every possible means to gain access to my son, Nikko, and needed our story out. I was concerned, distraught, angry... I needed someone to believe me, and there was no other way. 

When Arizona's former osteopath proposed recently, it was nice of her to reach out to me. Rather than reading it online or hearing from someone else, she called and I will always be grateful. This man will be in my sons life and I was appreciative the heads up. 

So here's the deal... here's my story. I need to hold myself accountable in order to continue moving forward, and that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm an addict. That's it. I'm a fucking addict. I'm not addicted to alcohol or to pain medication. My excuse has been the bulimia (I've suffered with for more than half  my life), but it's more than that. I overuse,  over analyze and overdo everything in my life. I grew up in a not so perfect environment...  self medicating was normal, maybe genetic. 

At 5'11 and 114 lbs, unhealthy, and super depressed, I checked myself into an an eating disorder facility in MD... After a month, I headed to a more specific facility in OK. It was a random location, very expensive, and very "hospital-like", but the staff was amazing... I became friends with incredible people! I have accepted the truth about my struggles. The lies I'd been telling myself didn't fit real life... 

After another month, returning home to have emergency surgery, I had a serious life breakdown. Wandering WTF was happing to me, feeling sorry for myself, a very special woman in my life said, "Therapy is not enough! Meetings are not enough! Yoga is not enough! Change your beliefs and quit waiting for a change. Make a change!"

I have made a change. It's been a long struggle, but my mind is thinking differently. I don't need to overexercise or toxify my body to feel validation. We can make ourselves happy, or at least can work toward it.

It's hard going to meetings. It sucks opening up to my psychiatrist. .. and it fucking hurts so much that my son is in London and I'm not. It's really hard trying to stay happy when life seems turned around. .. But I'm doing it! You know what, it's working.. it's working!!!

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes and ruined friendships because of my vulnerabilities... but I'm going to continue working to be the best for me and those around me. 

Thank you for your support.. Family, Friends, Rabbi... Strangers. Thank you! 

Just like the political situation in the US, life may be a nightmare! But it may also  not be... Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow! #StayOPTOMISTIC #LOVE #LOVE #LOVE 

Sunday, November 13, 2016


Every individual whom you interact with affects the flow of energy in your body. Some flow with positivity spreading love and compassion, making you happy. Others flow like venom, harming you. 

The question is what to do with these negative people? Either, you can simply throw them out of your life and not let them affect you anymore. The other way is to have so much positivity and optimism that their negativity is covered up with your energy!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

What you don't know.

January of 2013, my son Nikko came to me with information about his nanny, Nita. He described inappropriate behavior that happened while he was with his nanny, while “at a man Pike's house.” I immediately terminated Nita's employment and e-mailed Arizona, telling her what Nikko had told me. Arizona, as well as her mother Davina told me not to go to the police because it “may cause Nikko more stress.” I didn’t want to wait, but like a fool, I did. We agreed to go together when she returned from a new years celebration in Mystique with Cara Delevingne (her girlfriend at the time) and other friends.

When Arizona returned, it was very obvious she was under the influence of drugs when she showed up to my flat. She was paranoid and acting suspiciously. I asked her to get rest, and come back to my flat the next day. I was very disappointed.

The following day, Arizona went without me to file a police report.  She asked to pick up Nikko for lunch and did not bring him back to my flat after, like she promised. Then she refused to let me see my son whom had been living with me full time, since we moved to London. Arizona was suspicious, suggesting I had something to do with what Nikko had described to me days earlier (“Pike” had kissed him & Nita, and scared him with a gun).

Arizona was acting odd… Soon after speaking to Davina, I learned that Arizona’s father, Garry Muse had sexually abused her when she was a young girl. I think this was the reason she was so suspicious, also the drugs she was doing. She has always had a certain animosity toward men. After speaking with social services and the police in Knotting Hill for several weeks, they dropped the case due to lack of any kind of evidence. I did not raise Nikko to lie, something happened… and I believe Arizona is covering something up!

I filed a residence order with the courts in London, but when Arizona found out, she drained our bank accounts, then left to Paris. My work visa, which was illegally provided to me through Arizona’s agency, NEXT Model Management (I was listed as a Model/ DJ, but didn’t work a single day) was revoked at Arizona’s request. For that reason, I was forced to leave the UK or she (along with her agency) assured me they would call immigration.

Arizona lured me to the UK under false pretenses… In the back of my mind, I knew she wanted to take Nikko away from me after she got settled, and moving abroad with her dual citizenship was her easy way out. … that’s exactly what she did. I was coerced, and because we were unwed, I didn’t have many other options, so I agreed to leave behind everything in NY so I could care for my son and make sure he’d be raised in in a loving/ safe environment.

Before leaving Europe, Arizona convinced me to give her Nikko's passport. I didn't want to give it to her, but I literally had no money and no way to fly back to the US… she told me if I didn't give it to her she would not purchase the plane ticket I needed and threatened to report me to immigration. I didn't want to get in trouble with the law, so I gave her his passport and took a one-way flight to the US. I presumed the courts in America could help since Nikko is an American citizen, but jurisdictional laws prevent immediate action from the courts.

I’m currently in possession of his original birth certificate, listed as his father… I have reason to believe she acquired another birth certificate, listing only herself as Nikko’s parent… and is in the process of obtaining a UK passport for Nikko.  

I’m desperate for help. I need the word to get out, because even with legal representation in NY and London, the process is extremely lengthily. We don’t have the time.

It’s embarrassing to be so open, but pride aside, I won’t stop until I am able to see my son. He will be 6 in April, and I haven’t spoken to him or Arizona in over a year… nor have I received a photo (a single photo) from Arizona after countless attempts.

Arizona isn’t even working; she’s been hiding out so she doesn’t have to comply with the courts. I have a very good source that works for Aerin Lauder, and I hear that Arizona’s contract with Estee Lauder has been terminated.

If people are aware of this information, she will be more likely to stay in one place and deal with this. What she’s doing is absolutely repulsive; Parental Alienation is CHILD ABUSE… People need to know what she has been doing. I haven’t abandoned my son. I’m legitimately concerned, and am sure he is not being raised in a healthy/safe environment.

I love Nikko more than anything in the world.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

13/13 Final Response

A lot of you out there consider me a slime ball or whatever for airing our “dirty laundry” (even referring to me as a gargoyle, which I find quite amusing)…. but are misinterpreting my blog. Believe me, I know what you’re writing.

Put yourself in my shoes.

Imagine you have a child, whom you love more than anything, and whom you’ve been caring for.
Then imagine that whenever your “partner” is in town (rarely), she’s unavailable and only brings chaos and inconsistency into your home.
Finally, when you attempt an "intervention", because it’s long overdue, your “partner” retaliates by leaving the country, and drains all of your (shared) accounts.
You’re then forced to leave your current residence (UK) because you’re visa has been revoked by your “partners” agency.
When you return to your home country (US) and hire council, there is nothing your attorney can do because of "jurisdiction laws"… and can only suggest hiring council in the UK.

Well, this is my situation; I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a month without hearing a word from Arizona. What would you do, or turn to without resources? Someone said it best:

“If he's up against Arizona who probably has enough money to hire an adequate legal team, who do you think is more likely to lose out? :/ I'm not trying to defend him but I can see that desperate times call for desperate measures.. besides, he probably wanted Arizona to straighten herself out and shaming her in public would probably somehow motivate/drive her to sober up?”

Sure, I’ve made mistakes, but my lifestyle changed when Nikko was born… that was the reason I was so intimate about my past.

It didn’t for Arizona, it became toxic, you can’t live like that with a child. And if you've ever worked in fashion, you know it's even encouraged.  

I don’t regret anything I said…. Interpret it as you wish.

P.S. This was funny.  

Wow,  make a lifetime movie about it:

"An American Top Model and her Latino Bottom Blogger"

"Arizona: The Real Long Island Iced Tea" 

"Two and a Half Men: the Arizona Muse story"

"The Pusher's Muse: a story of love, lines, and... lies?"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

12/13 Backlash

I knew there was going to be a backlash when I went public about my relationship and current situation involving Arizona Muse. I'n all honesty, I’ll always care about her, she’s my son’s mother… and for that I’ll continually hold her close to my heart.  

I love my son, more than words could ever express…. But I haven’t seen, nor have I heard from my boy in nearly a month. It’s killing me inside, it’s not fair what she’s doing to us.

I’ve made many mistakes I’m not proud of, and I am not blaming Arizona for everything… you cant naively think I have put absolutely everything on this blog, come on!

I’ve been receiving e-mails, telling me I’m a terrible person, and have been reading horrible things about myself online. The truth is, I’m just TIRED of lying, I’ve been lying for so long, keeping secrets which only make things worse...  and unless all of you are aware of this situation you’re going to think I have this happy, wonderful life, and Arizona is our “Lord & Saviour” but I don’t, and she is not! 

Also, there are people out there who presume I just sucked every cent I could from her… To answer to that absurd statement: Yes, Arizona was taking care of my expenses, but I gave up my career… and it was all worth it, the reason is Nikko. I knew if he were living with me (which he was), he would be safe and have somewhat of a normal childhood.

You can’t think a mother who works at the level that Arizona does, would have the availability to spend quality time with her child. I mean she goes out every fucking night, are you people blind?!?! Seriously, and I’m the bad guy? Most will never understand, we're all so infatuated with celebrity we don't see the obvious!

BTW, I am a great father… I’m the father I never had; the father I always dreamed would be there for me. I have done absolutely everything in my power to be there for NIkko, to be present, and now I'm being punished for confronting her. ... Remember, all of this while supporting Arizona, even though I didn't agree with her lifestyle.

There are a few quotes I came across online that seem to sum it up, thank you for your support. 

You guys are ridiculous. Seriously Arizona's behavior is not secret to 99% of people in the fashion industry. And maybe this is not the best way for Manuel to do things but she’s uses his kid as a weapon, at the same time she uses him to enhance her career. Arizona, the perfect model mom, look at her posing with her beautiful son. Only she’s far from the model mom. Manuel is not allowed to see his kid unless it suits Arizona, while she is off her tits most of the time, yet you guys are making him out to be the bad person here? As for Freja, yeah she really is beautiful. She tried to help Arizona as much as possible. Even agreeing to move to London. But Arizona fucked that up too. This girl is all about herself.”

“I agree with the part about her son. Arizona has always tried to portray the perfect model-mom image, and uses her son in shoots. But yet we all know she parties and almost certainly uses drugs. I don't see Manuel being a dick in this situation to be honest. I just see him as a desperate father who is concerned for his son. If Arizona isn't talking to him, how the hell else is he supposed to get her attention?”

11/13 Arizona Muse - Drugs

Arizona had a breakdown September 2011… I was away from NYC, but she called me desperately, pleading for help. At that time, Nikko had three nannies because she was working so often and trotting him along from country to country with her. She begged me to rush to NY so I could care for my son full time, I was more than happy… I dropped everything and moved immediately.

She had/has a major problem with alcohol, painkillers and amphetamines. I was shocked, had no idea…. but of course I did everything I could to help her… including pretending we were the perfect family. 

She skipped two seasons walking the runway because she was “incapable of being videotaped”, she was literally so out of it most of the time, she wasn’t showing up to work. Her agency NEXT must have been so pissed. We decided to move to London June 2012, to hopefully help change her patterns.

Everything just kept just getting worse and worse. She has three doctors; in different countries prescribing her “amphetamine salt” and painkillers to help her stay thin, awake during long days of shooting, and still be able to sleep at night.

Early this year we had a falling out, she was so paranoid, projecting all of her issues/insecurities on me… I basically told her I wanted full custody of Nikko and I filed a residence order with the courts in London.

She retaliated, left to Paris with Nikko and drained our bank accounts. Also, since my visa was provided through her agency, she had them revoke it so I was forced to leave the UK earlier this month.

I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this blog of mine…. But Arizona needs help (even her secret attempt to get sober in Bali last year proved to be of no help).

She threatened to sue me for blackmail if I went to the press. Thats not what it's about ... I'm really concerned for my son's welfare. I don’t know where she is, she won’t return my calls and I don’t know who is caring for my son.

Financially, she can do anything at this point… This means surrounding herself with a team of “terrorists” to keep me at bay. My son is not safe in her care, its virtually impossible for me to do anything from America.

I’ve included screenshots of a few conversations we had just before she left to Mustique for New Years… also, photos posted on Instagram during that week.